Fred Kalamazoo

Chair of the House Energy and Commerce Committee

Just because I’m Chair of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, doesn’t mean I always like to be in charge.

You may have read about me and Tim Phillips of Americans For Prosperity  but don’t let that turn you off.  I’m too hot to be tied down to one special interest guy.

But if you don’t give me the kind of time and attention I need, I’m not afraid to walk. I used to spend a lot of time listening to scientists, and I bought what they had to say about global warming hook, line and sinking islands. But then I had to ask myself, what has Science done for me lately?

Now that I’m a global warming skeptic, I get all the attention I want from Koch Industries, Entergy and other companies that have shown how much I mean to them in a half-a-million ways. Nothing says “you’re special” like cold, hard cash.

Like my nuclear policy, I’ll take a risk on you if you gamble on me.

Interests: Michigan Wolverines, home appliances, and knee-capping the EPA.

Bar Back Boehner

Speaker of the House and keeper of the key to your heart.

If you’re looking for a sensitive guy who’s not afraid to make a commitment then look no further. If I believe in you and you’re willing to look the other way, I’ll give you the shirt off my back. Or, at the very least, more than $300K of my own business-funded war chest.

My friends, like former Congressman Mark Foley, know how loyal I can be. They also  know how much I love trips to the beach, corporate jets and a round of golf topped off by some backroom dealing in the clubhouse.

If you think all this carbon dioxide greenhouse gas stuff is hogwash, message me so I can bathe you in my affection.

Interests: Golf, Lobby Meetings, and Climate Change Denial 
Favorite Song: “Tears of a Clown”

Popinjay Rockefeller

Chairman of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation

Over the years I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to make a relationship work. It’s about being willing to compromise. It’s about being willing to change. It’s about being willing to completely abandon your principles and values.

I once thought you could win people over by protecting the environment, so I campaigned against strip mining.  Big coal taught me the real way to win the hearts and minds of the electorate: help polluters to undermine the EPA and the Clean Air Act.

I understand global warming, but that’s not going to win me too many friends at the club.  So, I can either get all hung up on doing the right thing, or I can keep my relationships going strong by doing everything I can to undermine greenhouse gas regulations.  Sometimes I even like to spice things up and support fairytales about “clean coal”.

Whatever kind of relationship you’re looking for, holler at me. I you’re a coal or energy company, I’m willing to be really flexible.

Top Matches: Peabody Coal, Consol Energy

Smokin’ Salmon Murkowski

Ranking Member for the Senate Committee on Energy and Natural Resources, and still hot…

When I moved from Alaska to Washington, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find someone who was right for me.  Eventually, I did find a perfect match on Polluterharmony, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still on the prowl. 

I believe there is more than one “the one,” so won’t you be my someone? Don’t believe me, find out who else I’m seeing.  I’m back in the saddle after a hard-won election and ready for the next rodeo. 

Turn-ons: Fishing, Drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and butterscotch.  

Jimmy Valentine

Ranking member of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works

If you are into making cities safe from chemical disaster or a science geek up in arms about global warming, move on.  If you like getting down and dirty and want to help me top the $311,800 in oil contributions I collected on the way to the 110th Congress, then keep reading.

I’m a “believe it when I see it kind of guy” (unless you’re showing me melting ice caps and scientific data). But just because I’m a skeptic about some things, I have faith in others.  I have faith in the American system where money talks and, if you’re a large oil PAC, I hear you loud and clear baby. 

Turn ons: Danger, oil money, and fluffy bunnies

King of Hearts

Chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee

I’m new to Polluter Harmony so here goes.  

Even though I’ve been a public official for about 30 years, I can be a private guy.  Sometimes I have a hard time putting all of my thoughts and my agenda out there.

I’m a bit of a scribbler, a writer, with enough connections to keep life interesting. One night we could be putting on our Sunday best to attend a Koch Industries-sponsored soiree together. The next day we could spend the afternoon figuring out how my committee can help you avoid switching to safe technologies and continue to put people at risk of chemical disasters. Or, we could just cozy up with one of my novels and I could read to you by the fire. 

Dapper Darrell

Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform

With me, you get someone with the desire to put your needs first and the influence necessary to make your dreams come true.

It’s all about communicating with each other, and being willing to go that extra mile. I’m a giver, and with open lines of communication, I can give you what you need. Just this January I sent 150 letters to corporations, trade associations and think tanks asking for a list of regulations they would like to roll back.

It’s not every guy that would spend that kind of time and energy making sure industry gets what they want, but I’m not other guys. Let’s have some fun together. As Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, I have significant investigative influence over the EPA and other agencies. I also have a killer smile.

Remember, you deserve someone rich and powerful, you deserve me.

Eric Can’t ‘r Take My Eyes Off of You

House Majority Leader

As House Majority Leader, I like to think of myself as the most important person in the room.  But, I’ve been looking for someone to share the spotlight with some of the time.  I have worked hard for my rich and powerful lifestyle, and I like others that have something to contribute.   That’s why you’ll see me at dancing at parties in Palm Springs.

I haven’t done it alone.  I have my trainer to thank as well as corporations that I have taken contributions from: Dominion Resources, Koch Industries, and so many more.  Looking for a powerhouse to help you kick it in to gear?  Look no further.